Eric Dando

A Shortage of Santas

A friend of a friend is recruiting Santas for shopping centres and says that they are having trouble finding them.  The money is slightly better than my labouring job.

‘You just need a police check,’ she says.

‘Well I’ve already got one from being a teacher,’ I say.

‘That’s funny,’ she says, ‘because usually you would have to go to Santa school but this year there is no time.  This year there is a Santa shortage,’ she says.  They give me a DVD to watch and a Santa suit in a big black bag.  I have freakishly small feet so they don’t have boots in my size.  ‘Just buy gumboots from Mitre 10,’ she says.

The DVD won’t work on my Playstation but I read the booklet.  Keep your hands in view at all times, it says.  No tickling or intimate kissing, it says.  Never talk about…

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